home

i can say that the last few months haven't been particularly easy for me. my grandmother, who was not only one of my emotional stands but also supported me economically, passed away while i was going through one of my biggest crisis.
there hasn't been a day since that moment, when i haven't felt completely overwhelmed, lost or melancholic. economic reasons might sound somehow frivolous, yes. however, i dare you (you? no one ever read this blog, haha) walk in my shoes... specially when everyone is putting so much pressure on you. uggg.

my psychologist said there would be days like these. days when i'd have to deal with the fact that my devils are playing stronger than my angels... we haven't worked on how to deal with them yet, but i can tell that she meant days like today.

on the other hand, i keep getting amazing signals that everything i'be built since my real life started (and that is excactly seven years ago) is here to stay. that i have it. that is mine. that is next to me. that im not alone.
my key was to find place and stay there to see what happened. the results are hard to compare or explain.

there's a song out there saying home is where the heart is.

game over

i don't remember when was the last day that the idea of putting and end to my life didn't show up. all i can recall is that, the first time it did, i knew it was going to be a hard one to get out. now i think i completely lost track. after spending another night with no sleep and thirty minutes in the shower crying my lungs out,

i've made my room dark, because i don't want to face today... so i pretend it's still before dawn.

reasons abound. and it's a disappointing never-ending circle which surrounds me: my carrier, my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my apartment, my health, myself. people keep trying to make me see thing's bright side but, as i dig deeper, it gets harder and harder. when is it going to stop?

stuff

there's a lemon tree. a heavy rain. the smell of a perfume i'm wearing but it's not mine. there's cold in me feet.
there's my computer on the bed and there's daylight fading out. there's an empty chocolate wrapping.
there's no one else in the house. there's music playing but i don't feel like it. there's also no one to call nor visit.

the follower

i dont know if it´s the stove behind me, radiohead playing at all volume on my headphones, the soup i´m smelling or the fact that i sat for my last exam today... but you´ve made me smile:

http://chalkhopscotch.tumblr.com/post/27862325337/dime-con-quien-andas-y-te-dire-quien-eres

the one that's not about boys

touching a wound that's on the process of healing and going to the movies on your is more or less the same thing. you keep doing it even though it hurts. you keep doing it for that unexplainable pleasure.

tonight after an awful movie with no plot i came out of the theatre thinking where was i going. not on that specific time, but in life. i'm trying as hard as possible to want to stay, to fight it here. however, that constant runaway thing inside me keeps me wandering why not quit everything and ran away. how far could i go? far enough not to remember about it?

as emo as it might sound, sometimes i wish it would all go away. i wish i hadn't been on this planet to make a change. 'cuz it's much harder to fight than it is to pretend and walk as if nothing is wrong. it would be so much easier deciding to work for the system.

tonight i'm tired of life. tonight i break. once again. 

andy and april, jim and pam... also those two from an education

sometimes i get that feeling i'm looking into the wrong place for love.
you spend all your life effort trying to accomplish expectations for being better but you're pointing everything into the wrong direction.
what i'm wondering is when did knowledge became key to love.
it all pops out after having watched another unreal screen relationship with people loving themselves no matter what. loving themselves in stupidity. loving them selves to discover life, to discover love.

 

stars

can't really remember when was the last time I could see a clear sky with all those sparkling stars. makes me wonder, makes me cry, makes me want to write not knowing exactly what.
latest post have been about man, let's do that.
he's sitting next to me, on this trip to another unknown destination. to a place only he can follow me around. makes me happy, makes me scared, makes me want to cry, like i've already  did... so many times.